How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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