I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
