I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
