and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
