At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
