so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Randomize
