There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I think I sprained my soul last night
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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