I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
