When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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