Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I lost the right to judge tonight
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
