Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
