Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
