While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
