what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
