I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
