Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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