I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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