I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
