According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
