it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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