We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
