I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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