yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Randomize
