I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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