My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Are we still banned from the library?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
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