at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
