whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Randomize
