I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
