If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
