"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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