I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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