I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize
