Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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