dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
