Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
