The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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