He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
