Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
