whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
