At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
