I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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