Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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