Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
