batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
