This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
