you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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