So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
