So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
