I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
