If i come over, it means nothing
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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